Monday, 23 February 2009

The Pianist and other crazed late night thoughts


Coming in from my gig tonight I watched what I thought was going to be the end of the film The Pianist, but it’s such a long (and brilliant) film it turned out to be another two hours of unremitting Nazi-inflicted hell. There’s this one point in it where Szpilman, Brody’s character, is hiding out in an apartment after the destruction of the Warsaw ghetto. He has to be deadly silent or it will alert the neighbours to the fact that he’s hiding in there (and therefore is Jewish – obviously). He drops a shelf full of plates and within 30 seconds there’s a knock and the neighbours are shouting, who is in there, we’ll call the police. Later on, he tries to escape quietly, but as he’s in the hallway there’s a scream and this woman has seen him. She is shouting, show me your ID card! Where are your papers? I’ll call the police! And I thought, hey that’ll be Britain in about 20 years’ time.

OK, I know how this sounds. I start comparing the machinery of the Nazi state to the joys of life in modern Britain, and I come across like one more raving terrorist to deal with just when we’ve got a boat load from Guantanamo. But hear me out.

If things go the way it’s looking and pretty soon we all have to have an ID card to prove who we are at all times, we are fucked. We have learned no lessons from the war. We have learned no lessons from any war, from any experience of how terrorism works or how totalitarianism works. I’m not even sure we’ve learned how to be human. If we start expecting people to produce a card before they can rent a flat, get a bank account, have access to healthcare, a card that tracks all their movements and data… then you could just as easily turn that card off and make that person a non-person. ‘Sorry, everybody with this type of card issued after this date may not have access to certain types of jobs and is only allowed to live in X area. It’s for the good of the country and to avoid terrorism. These people’s activity patterns are suspect and we think they may be dissidents. They must be sent for interrogation and water-boarding in Liverpool.’ Might not sound harsh to you, but I’ve gigged there.

So I’m well aware of the irony of writing this pro-privacy stuff on a social networking site. But given that I’ve registered to refuse to have an ID card if they introduce them and paid money into the legal fund working to oppose the idea, it seems logical to say these things in public and normalise the idea of opposing the scheme – and other surveillance phenomena. For example, I read a letter in the Guardian last week, from a man who’s just taken over a pub in Islington. He needed a new licence for the pub, which had to be approved by various organisations, including the police. The police agreed to approve his application on the condition that he install CCTV cameras that capture the head and shoulders of everyone coming into the pub, and that the police could see this on request. This guy wrote to the local Labour MP to challenge it – and obviously she didn’t reply – then spoke to a friend of his who is the licensing officer for another borough. “Not only did he tell me there was nothing I could do to overturn this, he also strongly advised me not to blot my copybook with the police by even questioning the request; I would not want them against me in the future, he said”.

The guy (Nick Gibson) finished his letter by saying that even though he has been in a silent rage since he first heard of this request, “at every turn I am alternately advised to keep my head down or laughed at for my naivety for thinking that the world was not ever thus. When was it that the constant small erosion of our liberties became irreversible?”

This sounds familiar. First, it sounds like Animal Farm, when the pigs in charge try and tell the other animals that things have always been this way, that bad is good, that quality of life is improved, when you know in your heart that this is just a FUCKING LIE you are being told, but you no longer have the energy to challenge it. Because you have been told so many lies you become exhausted by their quantity, and where do you start? Secondly, everyone is afraid of being thought stupid, or credulous, and looking like some conspiracy theorist raving nutjob if they start saying, hang on, isn’t this all a bit mental? Just how paranoid are we and just how much more police state does it have to get round here before we’re all living all our lives as though we were being watched at all times, just in case, and informing on our neighbours?

Thirdly, the real interesting thing is the apparent impossibility, and dangerousness of being seen to challenge any of this legislation. If people don’t start doing it soon, and all the time, and not thinking that this will make them look like a terrorist, or suspected of committing a crime, then the moment will be lost and we will truly be living in hell. Challenge the encroachment of CCTV – my boyfriend, a photographer, was interrogated by the police the other month for taking photographs! – write to your MP, refuse to have an ID card, vote for any party that will get rid of them, find out what the Magna Carta was, work out that there is now basically NO RIGHT OF APPEAL against unlawful imprisonment under current terror laws… Cos that’s where all this is leading. Towards the situation where YOU, an innocent person, can be arrested, in case you are not innocent.

That’s why I say, to the stupid, stupid woman Catherine Conroy who wrote in response to Nick Gibson’s letter in The Guardian that CCTV is not a threat to freedom and is only “a threat to freedom to commit a crime” – you are part of the problem. And you clearly haven’t the imagination to understand what kind of grim future world you are dumbly helping to create.

Good God, I need the light of dawn, don’t I. And it is also possible I shouldn’t have given up drinking. I just have a shit load more reading time now.

Monday, 15 September 2008

Sarah Palin.... good God

Sarah Palin gave her first TV interview on Friday - link to it here - and it was very scary. The coverage of the interview is even worse. "MOTHER.... MOOSE HUNTER.... MAVERICK!!" Great. So there's potentially going to be a Vice President of the USA whose main skill is alliteration.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind all the hysterical(hysterical! womb! 5 kids! geddit?) coverage of her if she knew anything about foreign or domestic policy. But what are her views on current Russian activity, for example? "You can see Russia from Alaska". Coooool....

Time magazine has gone bonkers over her as well. I'll have to quote it as I read it in the actual paper rather than online - "There is an undeniable power in the tale of a woman who knows how to carve up a moose and can give a speech while leaking amniotic fluid, just hours before giving birth to her fifth child..." That's not a qualification for office. If you've had so many  children you can practically roll one out whilst barely missing a beat in the middle of another speech about guns and Jesus, then you should be sectioned as a main Western contributor to the world food crisis rather than greeted at airports by crowds of adoring fans waving signs saying "Hockey Moms 4 ever."

I also don't know why being a hockey mom is good. I"ll get back to you on that.

Tuesday, 9 September 2008

I'm back


I've realised something over this month that I've been away. Away, "doing the Edinburgh Festival", "creating new stuff", "developing" as an "artist". I've been trying to put all these different tags on it, but I know the truth. I am suffering from a shameful addiction to the Edinburgh Festival. 

I will do almost anything to facilitate being there. This year alone I have lied, borrowed money, made grand claims, had lunch with my ex-boss to get a loan, and even been in denial about doing it at all. "Hello, is that my bank, First Direct? Yes, please could I borrow some money? About £3 grand... No... it's.... not for the Edinburgh Festival, it's for... a holiday." They'll lend it to you if they think it's for a holiday.

Basically, I know all the tricks. Pretend you're going to be famous directly afterwards, offer them a stake in the show, borrow from 4 different people and don't tell them about each other. Let them think they're the only ones and it doesn't really cost that much. If they knew the extent of your problem, maybe some of them would stop you. But they don't. They are enablers. The bank, my ex-boss, my mum, the producers, my boyfriend. Enablers!!

But what of the "phenomenon" that was Exhibitionist? - you can link here to cool reviews from Fest and also Three Weeks. Thrilled with all this stuff about being "innovative" and "relevant", but next year I'm going to go for "funny".

In the meantime, I cannot afford to leave the house. Or buy food, or pay rent. That's the goddamn motherf*ckin genius of being an addict. If you've had a similar experience, and want to try and face up to what a few years of the Edinburgh Festival has done to you, or maybe you're living with someone who cannot control his or her Fringe shows - get in touch. 

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Knife Amnesty


As a Gesture of Goodwill, this blog is giving up all its knives, and would like to encourage other young hooligans to do likewise.
This blog also hopes that by joining the amnesty, it can help add to the culture of fear and panic about knives in any way that is useful.

This blog has now run out of knives, and needs to pop to the shops for a few more knives.

Thursday, 3 July 2008

Introducing....

Hello. I have taken some photos of the characters for the show! It's pretty pretty exciting. This one on the left is Bethan - she's a very upbeat suicidal teenager from Bridgend in Wales.

The next one is Joanna. She is a geek who hero-worships Steve Jobs from Apple Mac and everyone seems to love her so I am starting to be quite jealous.







Then there is Derek. He is also below, or wherever this infernal device chooses to place the

photograph.
Oh, here we go.









Despite his homosexuality, Derek is a committed bigot.


Finally, there is Katherine:
Katherine is very, very wrong.

And there's a fifth character too, but that's a surprise. It's not that the show has a plot exactly, but the characters do interlink, and there's a certain logical madness to it when an actually famous person joins Profile Me and starts blogging. In any case, who it is might change by the time I get to Edinburgh. I haven't decided. Do I need to do that soon? I mean, it's cool if I'm still writing this on the train on the way up there, isn't it...

I was thinking of giving up booze for July. That hasn't happened.

Saturday, 21 June 2008

Oddness and Ironies


The irony of what I'm doing with my Edinburgh show versus my life, is starting to become obvious. Here I am, writing a show about people who choose to have a public profile way beyond what is necessary - in the name of fame, openness, peer pressure, whatever you want - and also, here I am, writing a blog about that.

Basically, I want my Edinburgh show to be entertaining. I think it's already pretty silly, and I'm really trying to write a 'show', not something which is just 'here are the best bits of my stand-up'. But I also want it to have a plot and and a theme and to say something. I love talking about music, and doing songs, and with that in mind, my fifth character (one of them is pre-recorded) was going to be a sort of alcoholic music producer, who bitches about stuff and then gets the sack. But somehow, it doesn't quite fit with the rest of the show, which is really all about the new "freedom" we have to live our lives in public, but also not to be seen to do anything stupid, ever. So I'm writing a new character that will really nail the show into the territory of 'political character comedy'. I am quite a last-minute person, but am worried that even I am taking the piss in how late in the day this show is evolving. It's got to be ready in just over a month. And I don't want to do it half-arsed.

Meanwhile, here is some of the samizdata I've been reading. I'm particularly amazed at the moment by the extent to which Gordon Brown seems actually to be using the concept of doublethink (as explained in 1984) to justify his policies, whilst citing Orwell as a writer who "extolls the virtues of the liberty of Britain" (to paraphrase). Brown made a whole speech on 'what liberty means' in the current climate, and seemingly introduced an idea called 'new-liberty'. Good God. Click here to read the speech. And here to read an amazing dissection of it by academic Fabian Tassano.

Yeah. Making comedy out of this doesn't write itself.

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Never going on holiday again


That's right, I've been on holiday. I'm completely behind on everything, even though I was only away for just under 7 days. My boyfriend is also self-employed, and we are now both so stressed by having to go away that we have decided simply never to go on holiday again. Above is a generic picture of me on holiday. Except it's not - it's a picture of me in Miami in February when I was doing Last Comic Standing. But I figured, I look relaxed in this photo; I look like I'm vaguely having fun, probably because I was working and I like that. I can't upload any photos of me on my actual holiday because I just look too pissed off / sarcastic the whole time.