Advent calendar

My flatmate bought me a milk chocolate advent calendar this Christmas. I didn't know what to say - I'm lactose intolerant! He's German though, so you can't make excuses. He'll only wake you up in the middle of the night to check if you've had your chocolate, shouting "Where's your Blitz spirit now?".

He likes the Blitz spirit, but thinks it would have been improved by more rules. Like all things to do with being English. I keep a box of After Eight mints in the kitchen purely so he can tuck in with the phrase "makes you proud to be British", which I enjoy by refusing to detect any irony in his voice, but he gets very upset if I eat any of them before 8pm. It's the same with the advent calendar.

After five days it became clear he was struggling with my lack of commitment to eating the chocolates on time. He got all a bit "no wonder Britain's out of the EU if you can't stick to even simple targets". I said that British people are too used to relying on immigrant labour, so maybe we could get a Polish woman in to eat the chocolates for me? They're used to being pushed round by the Germans. But he said no, and something about how I needed to learn to understand Christ's struggle up the hill with a cross. Nonsense. Living in this flat, I already identify fully.

So I've decided to go with Greece's approach to any challenging situation. I've put the advent calendar under my bed, and am now simply pretending to eat the chocolates. "Yes, Chancellor Wehn, all the chocolates are being eaten, correctly and on time." Failing that, I'll be using my Veto. It might put me in Dave's camp, and probably Richard Littlejohns's but that's the madness of the festive season.

Merry Christmas, everyone.